"The Re-Vamp" A Novel by Bethany

As a warning...there's a REASON I call this a novel. If you read all this, bless your heart.

I am scared.

I admit it.

A few posts back I talked about New Year's Re-Vamp (I don't like the word "resolutions"...seems like I'm only doing temporary changes in my life and then find myself going back to the same old rut I was in before).

I've pondered. I've prayed. And I keep going back to the same thing over and over again.

And I suppose it took me this long to decide to focus on it because.....it scares me.

The goal: Happiness

That's what I decided to call it, because that is what it all comes down to in the end. Happiness.

Blog Reader: "Wait, being happy scares you?"

Me: "Why yes, yes it does."

Let me explain...

Have you ever heard the phrase, "The more you know, the more you know you don't know."?

It's true.

I've been doing some soul searching...probably started about a year into married life. And the more I got to know who I was...the more I realized my flaws...and the more I became unhappy with myself as a person. ("Unhappy" might be a strong word...perhaps "Confused" is better.)

I really struggled trying to find the connection between "Who am I?" and "Who do I want to be?" They seemed to be polar opposites but I never considered myself a bad person. I was stuck. I liked who I was...but I hated who I was at the same time.

Then I went on a trip with my family to Oregon.

This was back in the summer.

It was a long drive back from Oregon to Utah and I had an in depth conversation with my husband. We were playing a game of "describe a person as a whole in one word".

Then the game turned to me.

We were stuck. Unable to define who I was.

The only word we could come up with was "potential". (Sounds so harsh like "you just ain't good enough right now", but we meant it more like "has lots of goals and aspirations in life that I'm able to reach")

Tyson and I decided to "ask around" to find out better words for me....

We pulled out the cell phone

*Call mom

*Call sisters

*Call everyone else that was on the road from Oregon to Utah

This was their list of descriptive words for me:

• Friendly
• Happy
• Easy Going
• Caring/Motherly
• Daring
• Dedicated/Devoted
• Responsible
• Passionate
• Detail-Specific

We further questioned "Daring" and my dad explained that he was referring to my younger days when I sought adventure...but apparently life got to me and scared me away from being that person. I find myself far from daring now...

We also sought explanation for "Detail-Specific" and my sister owned up to that one. She was saying that I was the type to follow a recipe when cooking and follow a pattern when sewing. I'm a follower.

This list was good. Very good.

Tyson and I then talked and talked and talked.

Then we separated our thoughts on paper and made lists (which my mom also mentioned that "list making" was something she thought me and Tyson had as a common bond together as a couple....we are list people.)

Here are the conclusions:

I have two big problems in my life. But both problems have both positive and negative aspects to them. 1. I'm a people-pleaser. 2. I'm a homebody.

Problem #1: I'm a People-Pleaser

Positive Side:

• Responsible
• Caring/Motherly
• Dedicated/Devoted

Negative Side:

• Compromise Myself (don't stand up for myself)
• Hide My "Light Under a Bushel" (stops my progression in life)
• Afraid to be Myself

Problem #2: I'm a Homebody

Positive Side:

• Easy Going/Content

Negative Side:

• Need Security
• Stay Inside My Comfort Zone
• Need Predictability
• Avoid Confrontation

Now that I've separated these out, I feel like I can still be MYSELF but realized what I can CHANGE to become a better version of myself.

So....happiness.

Becoming my best self.

Being happy with who I am....and just being happier in general.

Be more outgoing, think less of what others may or may not be thinking about me, like me for me, don't be afraid to take a stand and share my thoughts, have confidence.

I've also found my weaknesses lie with not being patient, not letting go of the past, and not being a worry-wart.

These are a big part of why my goal is called "Happiness". I decided that I need to simply be happier with myself, more patient and loving towards others, and don't think and worry so much. Let life happen. Find joy is small things. Have confidence in myself. Don't be scared. Don't feel intimidated. Just be happy. Even on those days when I'm unhappy and don't feel like trying to change my mood...just do it.

So, for those of you still reading this novel....there's my goal: Happiness.

I've written this partially to go out of my comfort zone and show myself to the world and partially as a mark of accountability for my actions.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Bethany, signing out.