"The Re-Vamp" A Novel by Bethany

As a warning...there's a REASON I call this a novel. If you read all this, bless your heart.

I am scared.

I admit it.

A few posts back I talked about New Year's Re-Vamp (I don't like the word "resolutions"...seems like I'm only doing temporary changes in my life and then find myself going back to the same old rut I was in before).

I've pondered. I've prayed. And I keep going back to the same thing over and over again.

And I suppose it took me this long to decide to focus on it because.....it scares me.

The goal: Happiness

That's what I decided to call it, because that is what it all comes down to in the end. Happiness.

Blog Reader: "Wait, being happy scares you?"

Me: "Why yes, yes it does."

Let me explain...

Have you ever heard the phrase, "The more you know, the more you know you don't know."?

It's true.

I've been doing some soul searching...probably started about a year into married life. And the more I got to know who I was...the more I realized my flaws...and the more I became unhappy with myself as a person. ("Unhappy" might be a strong word...perhaps "Confused" is better.)

I really struggled trying to find the connection between "Who am I?" and "Who do I want to be?" They seemed to be polar opposites but I never considered myself a bad person. I was stuck. I liked who I was...but I hated who I was at the same time.

Then I went on a trip with my family to Oregon.

This was back in the summer.

It was a long drive back from Oregon to Utah and I had an in depth conversation with my husband. We were playing a game of "describe a person as a whole in one word".

Then the game turned to me.

We were stuck. Unable to define who I was.

The only word we could come up with was "potential". (Sounds so harsh like "you just ain't good enough right now", but we meant it more like "has lots of goals and aspirations in life that I'm able to reach")

Tyson and I decided to "ask around" to find out better words for me....

We pulled out the cell phone

*Call mom

*Call sisters

*Call everyone else that was on the road from Oregon to Utah

This was their list of descriptive words for me:

• Friendly
• Happy
• Easy Going
• Caring/Motherly
• Daring
• Dedicated/Devoted
• Responsible
• Passionate
• Detail-Specific

We further questioned "Daring" and my dad explained that he was referring to my younger days when I sought adventure...but apparently life got to me and scared me away from being that person. I find myself far from daring now...

We also sought explanation for "Detail-Specific" and my sister owned up to that one. She was saying that I was the type to follow a recipe when cooking and follow a pattern when sewing. I'm a follower.

This list was good. Very good.

Tyson and I then talked and talked and talked.

Then we separated our thoughts on paper and made lists (which my mom also mentioned that "list making" was something she thought me and Tyson had as a common bond together as a couple....we are list people.)

Here are the conclusions:

I have two big problems in my life. But both problems have both positive and negative aspects to them. 1. I'm a people-pleaser. 2. I'm a homebody.

Problem #1: I'm a People-Pleaser

Positive Side:

• Responsible
• Caring/Motherly
• Dedicated/Devoted

Negative Side:

• Compromise Myself (don't stand up for myself)
• Hide My "Light Under a Bushel" (stops my progression in life)
• Afraid to be Myself

Problem #2: I'm a Homebody

Positive Side:

• Easy Going/Content

Negative Side:

• Need Security
• Stay Inside My Comfort Zone
• Need Predictability
• Avoid Confrontation

Now that I've separated these out, I feel like I can still be MYSELF but realized what I can CHANGE to become a better version of myself.

So....happiness.

Becoming my best self.

Being happy with who I am....and just being happier in general.

Be more outgoing, think less of what others may or may not be thinking about me, like me for me, don't be afraid to take a stand and share my thoughts, have confidence.

I've also found my weaknesses lie with not being patient, not letting go of the past, and not being a worry-wart.

These are a big part of why my goal is called "Happiness". I decided that I need to simply be happier with myself, more patient and loving towards others, and don't think and worry so much. Let life happen. Find joy is small things. Have confidence in myself. Don't be scared. Don't feel intimidated. Just be happy. Even on those days when I'm unhappy and don't feel like trying to change my mood...just do it.

So, for those of you still reading this novel....there's my goal: Happiness.

I've written this partially to go out of my comfort zone and show myself to the world and partially as a mark of accountability for my actions.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Bethany, signing out.

Picture Blog

Alright, 9 posts of pictures found on my picture blog if you are interested...

http://tysonandbethany.blogspot.com/

Home Again, Home Again

We are finally back in Missouri...

I'm sad to be so far away from family, friends, temples, and "vacation mode" where I give myself budget money to spend on clothes and going out to eat and other unnecessary items that I don't allow myself to buy during the rest of the year.

I realized that I hadn't been able to post pictures and thought "I'll post some, I didn't take that many pictures anyway."

Wrong.

...33o pictures...

So, I chose a few pictures as a glimpse into my vacation.

And I've decided that I'm gonna post several pictures on my (long time, unused) picture blog tysonandbethany.blogspot.com. It may take a while, but this way people who are interested in looking at all my pictures are free to look and enjoy. :)

Crazy Fun.

Snow.

Girls' Outings.

1st Foods..Wide Mouth...Happiness.

Family Pictures.

Running Fast in Lightening McQueen slippers.

(And many other Christmas gifts)

Squishy Cheeks.

Jungle Jims.

Happy Baby.

Children's Museum.

Pleasantly Surprised

The new year rolls around (faster and faster every year) and I find myself ONCE AGAIN planning to re-vamp my life and kick myself into gear.

I hadn't really planned on "New Year's Resolutions" until Sunday during Relief Society. They talked about Elder Uchtdorf's talk in general conference and related it to New Year's resolutions. It got me thinking...

*me thinking*

"I need to re-vamp my life."

*It was a short conversation*

I created some goals and started thinking....then I remembered last year's re-vamping (click here if you are interested in visiting my past).

In a moment of daringness I decided to take a look at that old blog, planning to say to myself "oh man...better luck this year".

And my face then turned to one of pleasant surprise.

Last Year's Goals (I may forget one or two...I'm going off of memory here):

• Read Infinite Atonement....DONE
• Keep a Cleaner Kitchen....DONE (for the most part)
• Rid of My Fear of Hand-Washing Dishes....DONE
• Get Rid of Using My Little Plastic Cards and Go Cash Only....DONE
• Looking Better on the Outside to Feel Better on the Inside....DONE (for the most part)

*Swelling with Pride*

Now if I can only do as good on my NEW goals...

I'm not exactly sure what my new goals are going to be....yet. But I have decided to base my goals on the four most important relationships that Elder Uchtdorf mentioned in his talk:

1. Relationship with God
2. Relationship with Family
3. Relationship with Fellowmen
4. Relationship with Myself

So, I've decided that I want to write out 4 daily tasks to accomplish that day, one task per relationship. I do want to come up with one larger goal, find out which category it fits in and have that day's goals always working towards that larger goal.

Unfortunately, I'd have to say that some of the things I really want to improve in my life...I'm not exactly sure how improve...cause its more of a state of mind.

Examples:

• Improve my dying need to please everyone.
• Feel that my self-worth is dependent upon what other's think of me.
• Don't be afraid to go and do, be more confident and outgoing.
• Don't let little things get me down.
• Don't compare myself to others.

You know...things like that...

But I'll figure it out and get back to you.

Christmas...ASIAN Style

How do you know you are celebrating Christmas with Asians...

• You spend half of Christmas singing karaoke
• Grandma gets upset if you don't say "karaoke" CORRECTLY (kah-rah-o-kay: Japanese meaning "without orchestra")
• One of the favorite gifts was a package of Japanese candy called Hi Chew
• Having to win BINGO in order to get your white elephant gift (we may have found a way to turn our WHITE elephant gift exchange into a ASIAN elephant gift exchange)
• You've turned "gift exchange" into a game show (we've in the past played games such as Let's Make a Deal, Family Feud, and Minute to Win It....this year was The Price is Right)

Let's not forget New Years traditions:

• Amongst the traditional holiday feast lies sushi or gyoza
• Along with the forks and spoons lies chopsticks
• And perhaps Uncle Brian will bring his karaoke machine again...just for good measure

What Eden REALLY Wants for Christmas...

Its true. If she could, Eden would give up all her Christmas presents to stay in Utah with everyone around to play with and spoil her.

Life of a Mother

Amen. I hear ya Hilary.

Currently my children are sleeping and I had a really good day. I'm not feeling so much like pulling my hair out (like I sometimes do) but I did happen to see this video on someone else's blog and it gave me a good laugh.

Kind of a "ha ha...its so true..." kind of laugh.

....and I only have 2 younger children....