After watching a friendly show on Netflix with my husband we got in a conversation about something on the show....Osteogenesis Imperfecta (aka: Brittle Bone Disease) to be exact.
(This is the part where my husband lights up like a firecracker...I mean, he's a med student.)
After talking about brittle bone, we talked about how the eye works, how cells work, how placentas are formed, how the heart works, diseases, and more diseases.
But of course he used much more complicated words that are far beyond my capacity to remember let alone REPEAT to all of you my fellow readers.
He started looking up diagrams online to help me understand.
That's when I started to feel uneasy.
Being a woman, I totally over-analyzed.
"He knows way too much."
"Does HE know how much he knows?"
"What have I been DOING with all my time while he's LEARNING?"
"I know NOTHING."
"He uses WAY more of his brain than I do."
"Have I just been wasting my brain's knowledge capacity?"
I mean, I know that being a wife and mother is extremely important but I feel enclosed in this bubble of Dr. Seuss books and figuring out how to keep my house clean. His bubble contains things like, "I've felt what a LUNG feels like and its the softest thing in the world".
How can I compete with that?
All of a sudden the world is getting bigger and bigger.
I'm getting smaller and smaller.
I ask Tyson, "What's something I know that you don't?"
His response, "You know how to make Cinnamon Knots."
He gives a smirk.
My eyeballs roll.
Although I admit, I like these conversations with my husband. Watching him LIGHT UP cause he can teach me something that he's passionate about as well as learning new things (that unfortunately I'll probably forget by tomorrow morning).
But I currently feel like a speck of dust floating through space.
I gotta keep telling myself that its OK to feel like a little person in a big world. But instead of hanging on to whatever I can in order to survive, I need to simply enjoy the ride and take this opportunity to learn something new.
What he memorizes are charts, medicines, diseases, and the body.
I memorize signs that my children give to show they need something, recipes that use up what I have in the fridge so I don't waste money and food, and what time I need to START getting myself and the kids ready to go somewhere in order to make it on time (with which I admit I still struggle).
I'm really not even sure why I'm blogging about all this. I guess I need an outlet for all this uneasiness.
So, for those of you still following this post....or this blog...now you know what I'm feeling.
At least what I'm feeling right now.
9 comments:
Heavenly Father made males and females different for a purpose. Personally, I wouldn't trade all the knowledge in the world for the opportunity and privilege of having six children (probably the most spiritual thing I have ever done) and knowing that a loving Father in Heaven trusted me to be their mother. Sorry, Tyson's knowledge doesn't hold a candle to that. (Did you forget all those lessons I gave you as a laurel?! j/k)
I totally feel that way A LOT!!! My husband talks more about taxes, but still, I know where you are coming from. I just have to remind myself that I will always be a mother in the eternities, but no one will need tax accountants or doctors...so there!!! :)
Beef,
I love you the way you are! You are funny, introspective, and an excellent mother/friend/cousin/etc. Don't worry about what you don't know. I think the "The more I know, the more I don't know" applies to everyone. It's nice to know that there is still more out there to learn. Something to look forward to. And don't underestimate the value of knowing the things you DO know.
"... No woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan." Elder Cook, April 2011 conference
I totally now how you're feeling. Brett and I started out fairly equal, though I like to pretend I was smarter. Now, while he's listening to NPR, I'm reading children's books, and while he's in school I'm doing dishes, and while he's out playing with the big kids, I'm playing Candy Land's. Mentally, he's sky rocketing ahead of me. But we have eternity to even it out...even though I'm sure I'll get ahead ;)
Oh my goodness, I totally have those days too... Where I just feel so dumb, or useless. But then after Elena does something in front of Roger that he hasn't seen before, or he watches me discipline her and after words she's all hugs and smiles and a good girl, or she says something new, etc... he looks at me and says "how in the world did she do that" "holy cow, you are good" " when did she learn to do that" "Oh my gosh, LOOK at her, thats amazing!" then I realize... I guess I am doing pretty good and not as dumb as I thought... lol :)
Way to put it into words. I called it my quarter-life-crises. When I realized what I focus on and what I use all my energy doing, I looked at myself and didn't know who I was anymore and I didn't see any hope of becoming anything. It's hard to always be satisfied with the generic title of mother.
Here's another "I know how you feel!" If it helps, when you feel small, take a second to look at the way your two little girls look at you. Do they think you are a small and insignificant speck? You are their WHOLE WORLD. And what better people to be so important to?
Eh, some days it helps, some days it doesn't. Just sayin'.
Oh Bethany, don't dismiss your knowledge and learning as less than your husband's! Don't do it!! The things he is learning about fixing the human body are temporal lessons. Your lessons in patience, love, nurturing, home organization, etc. are eternal lessons. Your family needs your knowledge and influence far more than it needs medical terms--you could be happy and in tune to Heavenly Father even if he never went to medical school . . . even if he were out of work and uneducated. But your gifts, your contributions in giving life to precious spirits and learning how to love them and how to teach them and sharing the gospel with them . . THAT is the essential, absolutely most important stuff in the whole wide world! In all of eternity!!
Don't discount your contribution to your family, society, the world!!!!
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